I have never had any experience with depression. Ever. Not even after I birthed four children. Looking back in my life, I have probably known many people who suffer with this disease, but I didn't know it at the time because I wasn't familiar with it or its symptoms.
The only reason I am writing about it now is because God told me to. And He was pretty clear about it. So here I am. I am not a doctor or a psychologist. Unfortunately I don't have any good advice and this post is not even very encouraging. I am just going to tell my story. Sadly it is a story still being written. So let me get started with it.
The first month of adjusting with Zac dealt with sleep and feeding issues. We finally figured out he is lactose intolerant/sensitive, so that huge discovery led to his actually sleeping at night (as opposed to writhing in gas pain for hours during the night). December started out quite nicely because I was caught up on my sleep and wasn't a zombie anymore.
Then something happened in one of my relationships (I'd rather not write too in depth since this is a public blog) and I got upset about something. From then I could feel myself spiraling down day-by-day. I felt like I was being shoved into a hole in the ground and I couldn't get out. I noticed I was sad all the time. The sadness got worse with each passing day.
I wrote on my ipod on Dec 7: I am lonely. And bored. I need to go to sleep but I can't stop crying.
And on Dec 8: I am just sad all day. Tired. I have no energy whatsoever. I cannot even conjure up enough energy to smile. I don't want to do anything except curl up in my bed (which is what I am doing right now at 7pm).
Dec 12: Just want to cry. That's all.
Dec 14: I miss my kids. I am so tired, head really hurts, I long for my bed all day long. Just had a good cry. I have forced myself to get through the day every day for the past 3 days. This is so hard. I just want to be better. Not sure how.
Then one day when I was in the kitchen I heard this word whisper in my ear: Depression.
Oh.
I googled it. Here's what I discovered about its symptoms:
- Fatigue and decreased energy
- Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
- Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
- Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
- Irritability, restlessness
- Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
- Overeating or appetite loss
- Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
- Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
- Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
Check, check, check, I was experiencing every single one of these symptoms except the suicide symptoms. Quite the contrary, I wanted to feel normal again for the sake of my 5 kids. My children were the only reason I got out of bed every day. They kept me going.
December was hard. Very hard. Christmas made it even harder because I felt like I had to do all these things and I didn't want to. I didn't even decorate the Christmas tree. The kids did. And I sat on the couch looking out the window. That's saying A LOT because I never even let the kids HOLD my special ornaments, let alone decorate the tree with them! That should have been a clue to everybody that I wasn't feeling okay. Christmas came and went. Boring. I really tried to be normal. Thankfully we were having a school break, so that justified my letting the kids watch TV while I sat on the couch. Ugh. Thinking back on the way I felt just makes me cringe. I emailed a friend of a friend who dealt with these same type of issues, and it was really nice knowing someone else has dealt with this. I think that began the clearing of the fog somehow.
Near the end of December I wrote on my ipod: Woke up happy in the morning. I realized I smiled this morning without effort. It was a nice feeling. Felt normal all day. Laughed and could think straight and had fun. Loved the sounds of the thunderstorm and rain. Made me utterly happy. Today I didn't want to crawl in bed and sleep all day. I didn't have to force myself to get through the day. This is a first in four weeks. This is huge.
Dec 31: Didn't feel sad at all today!!!!!!
Jan 5: So happy to be back to normal!!
For weeks I had been feeling like someone was holding my head underneath the water, and for the first time they let my head out so I could breath.
I spent the first couple weeks of January catching up on my life. Homeschooling prep. Emails. Errands. Housework. Relationships. Etc. It felt SO GOOD to be normal.
And then this past week my husband had to work a bunch of overtime, baby was not sleeping well again, and now I feel like I am drowning in the water again.
The break from the sadness in the first couple of weeks in Jan gave me a chance to realize a few things:
- Learn Your Triggers: This is huge. I have been watching myself, and there are a couple of things I've noticed that automatically throw me into sadness. My husband was outside on Saturday teaching the kids how to ride bikes when he got called into the office to work for a few hours. TRIGGER. I was on Facebook and saw pictures of my friends all getting together and they didn't invite me. TRIGGER. Baby is up during the night and I wake up exhausted. TRIGGER.
- Stay Away From Things That Make You Sad: I don't have a solution for my husband's work schedule, but I can stay off Facebook. I do like to keep up-to-date with specific friends and family, so I will type in their names and only go to their pages. I don't scan the newsfeed anymore. I can't control how the baby sleeps, but I can allow myself to sleep later (if the kids are still asleep) instead of forcing myself to keep up with my schedule. I can turn on a movie for my older kids during the baby's naptime and I can close my eyes and try to take a nap. Certain movies and certain songs make me cry immediately. I can't sit down to a sad movie. I can't listen to certain Taylor Swift songs.
- Give Yourself A Break: I hired a neighbor's nanny to come over three or four nights a week from 7pm-8pm to clean the dinner dishes. I hired a nanny to come on Friday's to clean the house in the morning and babysit in the afternoon so I can take one kid on a kid-date each week. I won't be able to afford this when we move back to the States, but I can use paper plates and paper cups to reduce the amount of dishes I have to wash. I can lower my expectations of cleanliness so I don't feel so stressed out about the kids' mess. I can be more proactive with the kids' chore charts, so everyone is helping out and I don't feel so overwhelmed.
- Do Things That Make You Feel Happy: I have also been watching myself to see what makes me feel happy. Watching 80's movies. Listening to 80's music. Watching Castle with Rachel.
- Get Outside: Being outdoors also makes me happy. One day, Kevin and I went to the basketball court and ran around shooting hoops. I laughed. I didn't feel sad during that time. It was good.
- Be With Friends: It is almost physically painful to drag myself from this house and go outside and talk to friends. But talking to someone else makes everything feel so much better. Just talking about life and the weather and kids. We need to be in a small group at our church, but that just never worked out. That is a huge part of my problem: feeling stuck on this embassy compound and being too afraid to go anywhere and do anything. So talking with someone else and forcing myself to be with friends is really helpful. It might be a lot of work to get out of the door, but once I'm there it always feels better.
What would I like to do? I'd like to curl up on the couch/bed in a blanket and stare at the ceiling all day. I don't want to do anything but sleep. I don't want to drag myself up and feed the kids breakfast. I don't want to do school with them. I don't have the energy to deal with anything. But I have to. This can't last forever. I could write a huge huge post about the spiritual battle that this is, but that's for another day. For now we are trying to just through each day.
