Losing My Joy...And Finding It Again

I have sort of lost my joy in the past several days. That is a terrible thing to type, isn't it? Especially for a Christian.

How could I write such a thing? I just get so frustrated at Zac when he, for example, completely freaks out when I put on his dinner bib. Then he is so mad he refuses to eat. What did I do?! I am trying to keep his shirt clean so I don't have to wash 7 loads of clothes per day. He wore a bib in the orphanage for every meal. It's not a new thing to him. But it makes me angry. Angry that he is so mad. Angry that he has now wasted the food that I took time to prepare for him. Angry that we cannot just be normal in normal things like sleeping and eating!!

So I took him out of the high chair and just had to leave the room before I completely lost it.

There are so many emotions. And the lack of sleep really brings out the worst in me: anger. Saturday night Zac was awake from 12-3am. Around 3am I just sat rocking him and I cried and cried. Actually, I bawled and bawled so much the front of my shirt was wet. After he FINally fell asleep and I put him back in his crib, I cried and cried on my pillow until I fell asleep too. I was mad at myself for being mad at him. Mad at myself that I thought we would instantly be this happy family together. Mad that I can't fix his problems. Mad that everything else in my life has taken a backseat.

Yesterday God whispered in my ear: The joy of the Lord is my strength. So I just sang that song in my head all day. And that's part of the problem: I've been too exhausted to pick up my bible or my prayer journal. I miss talking to God and spending time with Him. And his behavior and issues make me ask: "Why did we do this? Is this really what the rest of my life looks like at every meal, every bedtime?!"

I read this on Kris Vallotton's Ministry page yesterday and chuckled:

Have you ever thrown a pity party and have no one show up? Feeling sorry for yourself is a recipe for disaster! So is blaming others for your lack of success. It may very well be true that you have been mistreated, abused, beaten etc, but God is able to restore, heal and deliver you. Let your identity be in your Christ not in your crisis. I certainly understand pain and depression. I know what it is like to not want to go on with life. But sitting around counting your crosses will only perpetuate the problem and leave you stuck in a pile of poo.

So I decided to fix my attitude today. I decided to open my Bible, even if the house is falling down. (This is something I do every single day, up until the day Baby came. I view my Bible-time and Prayer/Intercession-time as very, very important in my life.)

That's what I usually do when I have a problem: open my Bible and read. Read until I find an answer to my problem. Read until I hear a Word from the Lord. Read until I find my Joy back again. Because being joyful is a choice. Even if you have to fake it. Fake it until the emotions follow. So today I did my Bible time. I played the kids' Bible songs with breakfast. We did our usual Family Time at the dining room table before we started school. If I am miserable then everybody around me will be miserable as well. The Joy will come. This is a season. It does not last forever.

So I am reading in Joshua today. And he spends pages and pages describing the land God gave each tribe. Pages and pages of the blessings God gave each tribe.

⁴⁴ And the Lord gave them rest on every side, just as he had solemnly promised their ancestors. None of their enemies could stand against them, for the Lord helped them conquer all their enemies. ⁴⁵ Not a single one of all the good promises the Lord had given to the family of Israel was left unfulfilled; everything he had spoken came true. (Joshua 21).

I love that God speaks to me, especially when I need it so badly. God will give me rest. God will conquer my enemies one by one. God will fulfill all the good promises he made to me. Everything God speaks will come true. So I cling to that. I cling to Christ, my Joy.

Do not forget in the dark what God promised in the light.

**To make matters worse, most of my family is completely unsupportive (mine, not Kevin's). One aunt and two cousins are the only ones that have even acknowledged Zac's existence. It literally breaks my heart. Well at first it did. Now I am just mad about it, too. I just don't understand.

Not Superwoman After All

I am incredibly humbled by the support of my friends.

Being humble is something that I pray to become, humble like Christ. And it's usually when I have done something incredibly stupid and wind up eating my words, that I usually learn that lesson of being humble!

I try to think that I don't need help from anybody else. And, true, Christ will give me strength and will fill me completely when I ask Him. And sometimes he sends friends to do that.

I knew this would take work. I knew that bringing our baby home would be an adjustment. But I did not take into account of how exhausting this would be at first.

On Saturday Zac would literally not let me put him down. He cried whenever I put him down to, for example, go to the bathroom! And of course I love holding him and want to bond with him, but I forgot how much work it is to hold a baby all day! And how much work around the house is not getting done when I am holding a baby all day!

Zac did not sleep so well last night (which meant I didn't get a lot of sleep) and Kevin laughed at me saying, "You forgot how much work a baby is!".  He is exactly right.

So needless to say when my friend, AB, brought us dinner last night, it was a HUGE blessing. Not only did I not have to cook the dinner, I did not have to clean up dinner dishes. I am already behind on housework due to being gone Wed, Thur, and Friday. It is such a blessing not to have to clean up after dinner too. And again today, my friend AB (ha, they have the same initials, I never noticed!), brought dinner! And not only that, but apparently they have coordinated a schedule and several of my friends from church have offered to bring us a meal over the next couple of weeks. It brings me to tears. I never thought I needed help. I like to think that I (with God's help of course!) have everything under control. I'm strong. I can handle this...but WOW I realize I am not Superwoman. I am not invincible. I am tired when the baby keeps me up at night. I get frustrated and raise my voice at my kids sometimes. I am not perfect. God, thank you for keeping me humble. Thank you for bringing friends into my life that are a blessing to me.