Don't Hate on Me...Only Reporting the Facts...

Just as an FYI, I've always saved my rants and vents for my personal private blog instead of this blog. And believe me, there have been many rant posts because this process is extremely long and hard.

So if anything on this blog is offensive to anybody, it's not my fault :) It's par for the course. I am writing the facts of what has happened to us and happened during our process.

I write for two reasons: 1) To show how God has worked through this process, and 2) As a how-to for folks who are going through the process as well and have no idea what the steps are to this cumbersome adoption.

And for those two reasons I am keeping this blog PUBLIC as well.

Happy Reading :)

Visa Appointment at the US Embassy and Growing versus Rotting

Thursday we had our visa appointment at the embassy. Actually, I thought it was just the appointment for the issuance of the Article 5/17 letter. But apparently it was for everything. Which is great, except I wasn't prepared for it. So Kevin drove home really quick to pick up Zac (who was napping) and I ran upstairs to the bank to get the US$230 visa fee.  We took Zac next door for his passport photos. And thankfully I had everything else I needed already in my folder.
A few clicks on their keyboard and a few minutes later, and the adoption coordinator handed me the sealed envelope containing our Article 5/17 letter.

And the good news? Everything regarding our visa is now ready. Once we receive the official adoption certificate from the courts (two weeks after our final judgment on May 30), then we can apply for Zac's Kenyan  passport. We found a service that will expedite the passport for us (still checking to see if that's legit). Hopefully that will take a couple of days, then we go to the Embassy again. Turn in our adoption certificate and his Kenyan passport, and they'll issue us our US visa in his passport that same day (possibly).

Regarding the Article 5/17 letter, I am couriering it over to my attorney on Monday along with my signed affidavit. My attorney is planning to make an appointment with the judge and ask/beg him to take the letter so he can put it in our file. That way he can review it in the meantime and render the final judgment on May 30 as opposed to turning the letter in on May 30 and having to go to a fourth court date after he reviews it. But my attorney is not sure whether the judge will even hear her, let alone take the letter. So we'll see...

I said to someone recently that it's "all downhill from here" regarding the court process. I had no idea this portion would still be stressful - - but with the new judges and not knowing what additional documents they might require at the last minute (which they did to my Canadian friends...) makes this 5-week-wait-to-the-final-judgment a bit hard. I have a friend who is in the Ukraine right now picking up her 3 newly adopted children. She wrote on her blog once that during this whole process, we can grow in Christ and turn into beautiful fruit. Or we can rot on the tree. Man, sometimes I feel like I'm just rotting. Lord, please help me grow into beautiful fruit. Overflow me with your Grace, Mercy, Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and most of all, Self-Control. Overflow me so I can extend your fruits to my Children on a daily basis. So I can be a light to others around me. So we can all grow closer to You.

Possible Citizenship Issues

There seems to be an issue lately with the two new Nairobi judges and their views/ignorance of the immigration laws of other countries.

Two of my friends lately have gotten to their court date, and the judge refused to go any further until they can prove the child will be  guaranteed citizenship in the parents' home country.
This is only happening to Canadian and US adopting families. Why? Because unlike the Europeans adopting families (who get their kids' European passports before leaving Kenya), our kids will not legally receive US citizenship until their feet touch US soil. Hence, we cannot obtain a US passport for our child here in Kenya. We have to obtain a Kenyan passport and go to the US embassy for a US visa stamp inside his Kenyan passport. Then when we can file for his US passport once we physically get back to the States.

The problem I have witnessed recently is that when my Canadian friends arrived at their third (and supposedly final) hearing, judge did NOT grant them a final judgment. He said he wanted proof that the kids would receive citizenship, and put the burden on this family to provide 250+ notarized pages of Canadian law and letters and documents. Will every family have to provide this information? If so, why did the judge wait until the final hearing to inform them of such? Why weren't they informed of this so they could have gotten the documents together beforehand? Keep in mind these folks have dropped their jobs, their homes, their entire lives to move to Kenya for a year to adopt these children. Now at the very last minute possible the new judge decides to add in more requirements.

This infuriates me on many, many levels. We Hague-party adopting-families have already been through months and months of notarizing and documentation at the beginning of the process.

For me, I was sort of thinking: "Okay, this is the first Canadian family that has adopted in years. Maybe the judge just needed a refresher course to ensure these Kenyan kids aren't stuck without citizenship to any country."

Fast forward one week.

I just found out that another friend of mine is having a similar issue. She is a US resident and adopting via the Kenyan resident path (because she has lived here over 3 years and can bypass the international route like we had to go through since we aren't here permanently). I know several folks in this same situation: Americans living here and adopting locally. There are a few different rules and hence a few different consequences. One of which being that you cannot go straight to the US to live for at least 2 years after the adoption is final. But the paperwork is much easier and the process is way less expensive. So it's definitely preferred for some folks.

So one of my friends went into court recently and should've been appointed her GAL at that first hearing. However, the judge said he wanted additional proof regarding the child's future-US citizenship. I don't know all the legal requirements, but a child in this situation (after going through the appropriate steps) would indeed be allowed US citizenship eventually. The US embassy here has a form letter they give to adopting families that explains this to the judge. Well, this form letter (that has always been used in the past) is now not good enough for the judge. The judge wants an additional letter from the US embassy basically reiterating what is in the form letter.  This has never been an issue in the past with the prior judges. I personally know of several kids that have adopted recently via this local-resident path and there were no issues.

I have said all along and I fully believe adoption is a spiritual battle (Unless of course kids are being put into same-sex marriage family. I'd love for a study to be done at some point to see the ease of their processes.)

Our next court date is over a month away. If I need to be gathering additional documentation regarding  the laws and rules of US Citizenship then I need TO DO IT NOW. I NEED TO KNOW NOW.

I've emailed my attorney a few times, and I'll put in an email to our stateside agency. We are literally flying out of here in July. I do not have time to gather and notarize additional documents from the States. I am so stressed out about this (literally, my blood pressure is up now just typing this) that I cannot seem to focus on anything else.

I'm not sure what my point is in typing all this out. I guess if you have read this far, then I ask you to please pray that these two Nairobi judges would get educated on these issues and do their jobs correctly. So that families stuck here don't have to pay the price in the end.

PAD. Post Adoption Depression. Yuck.

I just hate writing those words. Depression. Yuck. Yuck.

I have never had any experience with depression. Ever. Not even after I birthed four children. Looking back in my life, I have probably known many people who suffer with this disease, but I didn't know it at the time because I wasn't familiar with it or its symptoms.

The only reason I am writing about it now is because God told me to. And He was pretty clear about it. So here I am. I am not a doctor or a psychologist. Unfortunately I don't have any good advice and this post is not even very encouraging. I am just going to tell my story. Sadly it is a story still being written. So let me get started with it.

The first month of adjusting with Zac dealt with sleep and feeding issues. We finally figured out he is lactose intolerant/sensitive, so that huge discovery led to his actually sleeping at night (as opposed to writhing in gas pain for hours during the night).  December started out quite nicely because I was caught up on my sleep and wasn't a zombie anymore.

Then something happened in one of my relationships (I'd rather not write too in depth since this is a public blog) and I got upset about something. From then I could feel myself spiraling down day-by-day. I felt like I was being shoved into a hole in the ground and I couldn't get out. I noticed I was sad all the time. The sadness got worse with each passing day.

I wrote on my ipod on Dec 7: I am lonely. And bored. I need to go to sleep but I can't stop crying.
And on Dec 8: I am just sad all day. Tired. I have no energy whatsoever. I cannot even conjure up enough energy to smile. I don't want to do anything except curl up in my bed (which is what I am doing right now at 7pm).
Dec 12: Just want to cry. That's all.
Dec 14: I miss my kids. I am so tired, head really hurts, I long for my bed all day long. Just had a good cry. I have forced myself to get through the day every day for the past 3 days. This is so hard. I just want to be better. Not sure how.

Then one day when I was in the kitchen I heard this word whisper in my ear: Depression.
Oh.
I googled it. Here's what I discovered about its symptoms:

• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• Fatigue and decreased energy
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• Irritability, restlessness
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• Overeating or appetite loss
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

Check, check, check, I was experiencing every single one of these symptoms except the suicide symptoms. Quite the contrary, I wanted to feel normal again for the sake of my 5 kids. My children were the only reason I got out of bed every day. They kept me going.
December was hard. Very hard. Christmas made it even harder because I felt like I had to do all these things and I didn't want to. I didn't even decorate the Christmas tree. The kids did. And I sat on the couch looking out the window. That's saying A LOT because I never even let the kids HOLD my special ornaments, let alone decorate the tree with them! That should have been a clue to everybody that I wasn't feeling okay. Christmas came and went. Boring. I really tried to be normal. Thankfully we were having a school break, so that justified my letting the kids watch TV while I sat on the couch. Ugh. Thinking back on the way I felt just makes me cringe. I emailed a friend of a friend who dealt with these same type of issues, and it was really nice knowing someone else has dealt with this. I think that began the clearing of the fog somehow.

Near the end of December I wrote on my ipod: Woke up happy in the morning. I realized I smiled this morning without effort. It was a nice feeling. Felt normal all day. Laughed and could think straight and had fun. Loved the sounds of the thunderstorm and rain. Made me utterly happy. Today I didn't want to crawl in bed and sleep all day. I didn't have to force myself to get through the day. This is a first in four weeks. This is huge.
Dec 31: Didn't feel sad at all today!!!!!!
Jan 5: So happy to be back to normal!!

For weeks I had been feeling like someone was holding my head underneath the water, and for the first time they let my head out so I could breath.

I spent the first couple weeks of January catching up on my life. Homeschooling prep. Emails. Errands. Housework. Relationships. Etc. It felt SO GOOD to be normal.

And then this past week my husband had to work a bunch of overtime, baby was not sleeping well again, and now I feel like I am drowning in the water again.

The break from the sadness in the first couple of weeks in Jan gave me a chance to realize a few things:

1. Learn Your Triggers: This is huge. I have been watching myself, and there are a couple of things I've noticed that automatically throw me into sadness. My husband was outside on Saturday teaching the kids how to ride bikes when he got called into the office to work for a few hours. TRIGGER. I was on Facebook and saw pictures of my friends all getting together and they didn't invite me. TRIGGER. Baby is up during the night and I wake up exhausted. TRIGGER.
2. Stay Away From Things That Make You Sad: I don't have a solution for my husband's work schedule, but I can stay off Facebook. I do like to keep up-to-date with specific friends and family, so I will type in their names and only go to their pages. I don't scan the newsfeed anymore. I can't control how the baby sleeps, but I can allow myself to sleep later (if the kids are still asleep) instead of forcing myself to keep up with my schedule. I can turn on a movie for my older kids during the baby's naptime and I can close my eyes and try to take a nap. Certain movies and certain songs make me cry immediately. I can't sit down to a sad movie. I can't listen to certain Taylor Swift songs. 
3. Give Yourself A Break: I hired a neighbor's nanny to come over three or four nights a week from 7pm-8pm to clean the dinner dishes. I hired a nanny to come on Friday's to clean the house in the morning and babysit in the afternoon so I can take one kid on a kid-date each week. I won't be able to afford this when we move back to the States, but I can use paper plates and paper cups to reduce the amount of dishes I have to wash. I can lower my expectations of cleanliness so I don't feel so stressed out about the kids' mess. I can be more proactive with the kids' chore charts, so everyone is helping out and I don't feel so overwhelmed.
4. Do Things That Make You Feel Happy: I have also been watching myself to see what makes me feel happy. Watching 80's movies. Listening to 80's music. Watching Castle with Rachel. 
5. Get Outside: Being outdoors also makes me happy. One day, Kevin and I went to the basketball court and ran around shooting hoops. I laughed. I didn't feel sad during that time. It was good.
6. Be With Friends: It is almost physically painful to drag myself from this house and go outside and talk to friends. But talking to someone else makes everything feel so much better. Just talking about life and the weather and kids. We need to be in a small group at our church, but that just never worked out. That is a huge part of my problem: feeling stuck on this embassy compound and being too afraid to go anywhere and do anything. So talking with someone else and forcing myself to be with friends is really helpful. It might be a lot of work to get out of the door, but once I'm there it always feels better.

What would I like to do? I'd like to curl up on the couch/bed in a blanket and stare at the ceiling all day. I don't want to do anything but sleep. I don't want to drag myself up and feed the kids breakfast. I don't want to do school with them. I don't have the energy to deal with anything. But I have to. This can't last forever. I could write a huge huge post about the spiritual battle that this is, but that's for another day. For now we are trying to just through each day.

Losing My Joy...And Finding It Again

I have sort of lost my joy in the past several days. That is a terrible thing to type, isn't it? Especially for a Christian.

How could I write such a thing? I just get so frustrated at Zac when he, for example, completely freaks out when I put on his dinner bib. Then he is so mad he refuses to eat. What did I do?! I am trying to keep his shirt clean so I don't have to wash 7 loads of clothes per day. He wore a bib in the orphanage for every meal. It's not a new thing to him. But it makes me angry. Angry that he is so mad. Angry that he has now wasted the food that I took time to prepare for him. Angry that we cannot just be normal in normal things like sleeping and eating!!

So I took him out of the high chair and just had to leave the room before I completely lost it.

There are so many emotions. And the lack of sleep really brings out the worst in me: anger. Saturday night Zac was awake from 12-3am. Around 3am I just sat rocking him and I cried and cried. Actually, I bawled and bawled so much the front of my shirt was wet. After he FINally fell asleep and I put him back in his crib, I cried and cried on my pillow until I fell asleep too. I was mad at myself for being mad at him. Mad at myself that I thought we would instantly be this happy family together. Mad that I can't fix his problems. Mad that everything else in my life has taken a backseat.

Yesterday God whispered in my ear: The joy of the Lord is my strength. So I just sang that song in my head all day. And that's part of the problem: I've been too exhausted to pick up my bible or my prayer journal. I miss talking to God and spending time with Him. And his behavior and issues make me ask: "Why did we do this? Is this really what the rest of my life looks like at every meal, every bedtime?!"

I read this on Kris Vallotton's Ministry page yesterday and chuckled:

Have you ever thrown a pity party and have no one show up? Feeling sorry for yourself is a recipe for disaster! So is blaming others for your lack of success. It may very well be true that you have been mistreated, abused, beaten etc, but God is able to restore, heal and deliver you. Let your identity be in your Christ not in your crisis. I certainly understand pain and depression. I know what it is like to not want to go on with life. But sitting around counting your crosses will only perpetuate the problem and leave you stuck in a pile of poo.

So I decided to fix my attitude today. I decided to open my Bible, even if the house is falling down. (This is something I do every single day, up until the day Baby came. I view my Bible-time and Prayer/Intercession-time as very, very important in my life.)

That's what I usually do when I have a problem: open my Bible and read. Read until I find an answer to my problem. Read until I hear a Word from the Lord. Read until I find my Joy back again. Because being joyful is a choice. Even if you have to fake it. Fake it until the emotions follow. So today I did my Bible time. I played the kids' Bible songs with breakfast. We did our usual Family Time at the dining room table before we started school. If I am miserable then everybody around me will be miserable as well. The Joy will come. This is a season. It does not last forever.

So I am reading in Joshua today. And he spends pages and pages describing the land God gave each tribe. Pages and pages of the blessings God gave each tribe.

⁴⁴ And the Lord gave them rest on every side, just as he had solemnly promised their ancestors. None of their enemies could stand against them, for the Lord helped them conquer all their enemies. ⁴⁵ Not a single one of all the good promises the Lord had given to the family of Israel was left unfulfilled; everything he had spoken came true. (Joshua 21).

I love that God speaks to me, especially when I need it so badly. God will give me rest. God will conquer my enemies one by one. God will fulfill all the good promises he made to me. Everything God speaks will come true. So I cling to that. I cling to Christ, my Joy.

Do not forget in the dark what God promised in the light.

**To make matters worse, most of my family is completely unsupportive (mine, not Kevin's). One aunt and two cousins are the only ones that have even acknowledged Zac's existence. It literally breaks my heart. Well at first it did. Now I am just mad about it, too. I just don't understand.

To Proceed or Drop the Adoption?

I dreamed about Zac last night. It is amazing how a dream can be so vivid. I woke up feeling such love for him.

I told Kevin I am not at peace this morning. I have no information about what is happening in my near future and I need to know things. So I texted the adoption agency and asked for an honest answer as to whether they thought we could still pursue this adoption in the time we have left here.

She was honest. I am thankful.

I told her we report to our next post in June. She talked through the timeline with me and if all goes well, the court processes will be finished by June but not the passport/US visa portion. We will have another 6 weeks to be here after our allotted departure time. Well that brings on dozens of questions (our diplomatic visa runs out, can we stay in our house or have to do a hotel for those 6 weeks, will State still pay for us to PCS back to Washington even though we are past our orders, we will have to stay here without Kevin, etc.).

So we have a decision to make. Do we proceed or do we drop it now?  Is this God's Will for us to proceed? Is this just a roadblock?

Today I have been fasting and praying. I feel like the Lord said if we proceed there will indeed be more sacrificing. Sacrificing of the obvious time and money, but of other things I'd rather not write on a public blog.

I scoured the scriptures looking for an answer. Listening to hear from God today. I read the story of Abraham and Isaac again. Abraham was told to sacrifice his precious son, Isaac. My Bible commentary says, "If you are afraid to trust God with the possession, dream, or person you treasure most, pay attention to Abraham's example. Because Abraham was willing to give up everything for God, he received back more than he could have imagined.'"

Psalm 95:7-9 "Oh, that you would listen to his voice today! The Lord says, 'Don't harden your hearts as Israel did at Meribah, as they did at Massah in the wilderness. For there your ancestors tried my patience, they courted my wrath though they had seen my many miracles."

This may mean nothing to anybody else but as I was reading my Psalms for the day, this screamed out at me from the Holy Spirit.

I have been reading through the Old Testament for the past few months, and have related our adoption wait period as to the wilderness like the Israelites went through.

We are not in the wilderness anymore.  I will not harden my heart against this adoption agency or this government or this country. There is room for no bitterness in this process. We have seen God do many miracles in our process so far. There are many more to come.

Genesis 21 reminds me that the Lord does exactly as He promises. Sarah said, "God has brought me laughter. All who hear about this will laugh with me." The enemy is defeated. God has already won this battle. And we all laugh in the enemy's face.

I have so many questions, so many unknowns now. We have a huge decision to make. I know if we go forward then I have to expect to be here for a while longer. We have to contact the embassy and ask whether we can extend our visas, whether they can let us stay in our house, whether we can delay our pack-out of our household effects, what about the kids' school??. This is definitely not ideal, but not impossible either. I am going to let Papa God work out the details if He tells us to proceed with the adoption. I am at peace.

In talking with the agency we learned it will be another week or longer before we start the bonding period. I am at peace.

No News (obviously)

I called the orphanage yesterday (October 17) to ask what size diaper Zac is wearing, what he eats, and whether he takes a bottle or sippie cup so I can go ahead and purchase those things since obviously he will be coming home in a couple of days! The adoption coordinator at the orphanage said, "A couple of days?! I don't even have an application for you."  (whatever that is!) Apparently she has never heard of me before. She has nothing. I was under the impression the orphanage has had our case file for a long time now, that all she was waiting for was our photo album that was supposed to have already been sent to them by LAN. Nope. She assured me she would call me immediately when they received our application (there's that word again!) from LAN, but as of now they have zero information about our family or who Zac is matched with.  I have to say I am shocked and mortified about that. Trying to stay peaceful, trying to stay calm, trying not to think about it 24/7.

Ughghghg I hear the enemy whispering in my ear again, "This will never happen. This is not going to happen." Get thee behind me Satan in the name of Jesus. I am trying to stay positive...

There's a whole lot more I want to say about this. A lot. But I don't want to write too much on this public blog. So I am going to do some homeschool/teacher paperwork so I don't have to think about it anymore. What else is there to do but completely forget about the fact that we could have a baby tomorrow, or three weeks from now, or NEVER?!

Roaming To and Fro Again

The enemy is roaming to and fro again, out to destroy my relationships.
I realize this is part of the spiritual battle again.
"Difficulties" seem to switch month to month from relationships between friends, to husband, to family, to physical problems (my broken toe!), back and forth in cycles. I can easily recognize it now.
I realize that's what it is. And I just laugh at the lies of the enemy.

So I am withdrawing a bit for right now, dropping out of a few social things, online groups, and out-of-the-house activities, making my blog/facebook a little more private.
I think I just need to focus on my family (and few close friends) during this time.
Until the target on our back gets a little smaller...

The Wilderness Detour

Now that we have been approved, I feel like I can write a little more personal stuff here on my blog. Before, I tried to just write about the facts of the process in case someone official here in Kenya was reading this. (But really, how would they even find this??)

I was reading in Exodus 13 again today. I love this:

17 When Pharaoh finally let the people go, God did not lead them along the main road that runs through Philistine territory, even though that was the shortest route to the Promised Land. God said, “If the people are faced with a battle, they might change their minds and return to Egypt.” 18 So God led them in a roundabout way through the wilderness toward the Red Sea. Thus the Israelites left Egypt like an army ready for battle.

I feel like that happened with us here. Boy, I thought we would have our baby before Christmas last year (I kept hearing the Words "before Christmas"...) and look at us. It will be October of this year that will be the earliest we will have Baby.  Looking back, I realize we needed this Wilderness time. It has only been a few weeks since my Living in Kenya epiphany. I needed that. Our Baby needed us to experience that shift. And thank you, Jesus, ever since I fell on my face and really sought forgiveness for not being content here, our process has moved forward exponentially.

In verse 17 God says when the people are faced with a battle, they might turn around and head back to Egypt if they are traveling along the shortest route. This process hasn't been easy for us (to say the least), and I am not saying we would have quit during the hard parts if the process was shorter, but we are definitely not giving up now!  Too much blood, sweat, and tears put in so far to give up.

This Wilderness time has also built us up and gotten us "ready for battle" in whatever form that looks like. I feel like there will be many battles yet to come.  I bought this book and am excited about reading it.
Adoption is 100% a spiritual battle. Satan hates families. And he certainly hates adoption.  (How do I know that? Looking from a pure logical standpoint, Jesus loves adoption - He was adopted! - so by definition, Satan must hate it because he is the epitome of everything Jesus is not.) And I completely understand why the enemy does not want this to happen.

I have such huge vision for our child. I believe these adopted Kenyan children are the bridge to healing for our American nation. Healing to white families who would otherwise not embrace a child with black skin. Healing for African Americans to realize we are all one race, one family under God, a place where they are all accepted and loved and belong.


Thank you God for the Wilderness. Continue to grow us closer to you!

Waiting for a Match!

I heard from our Stateside agency and our agency here.
Stateside says it might take several months to match us to a child. The agency here says it generally takes them 4-8 weeks to match families to a child.  Friends, please pray that it is shorter. We have to file our next round of paperwork to Immigration before we go on vacation in August! If so, then maybe our approval from Immigration will be ready when we get back.

I know God has a specific child that he wants to become part of our family. I also know there is an enemy who is trying very hard to keep that child away from our family. So, prayer warriors, continue to declare blessings over our adoption process (which will keep the enemy away!) and let's keep focusing on how big and how great our God is!  Father we commit this portion (as with every part!) to you and we wait with praise and thanksgiving!

Father I pray that as the folks from Little Angels open our folder and open the folder that contains the names of all the babies, that your Glory would descend into that room, that your Glory would literally manifest on that page of names. That your Glory would shine on our child's name on that page, and it would appear as if a highlighter had marked his/her name. Then LAN would know this indeed is the child that is meant to be ours.

In Jesus Name,