Giving up on Re-lactating

Well, I guess I give up.
I have been trying to re-lactate for several weeks now. And it was easy pre-getting-Zac and while Kevin was on paternity leave to sneak upstairs for 10 minutes every 3 hours and pump.
But I just can't keep up with it anymore. I have been pumping for several weeks, and am getting little beads of milk each time now.
Even though I never planned to actually put Zac to the breast, I wanted to put my breast milk in his sippie cup to increase the amount of nutrition he was getting everyday, especially since he is 18 months old and wearing size 9 months old clothes!
But I can't keep up with it. So I am not going to feel guilty about it or bad about it.
I still grieve the fact I missed his first 18 months, and missed breastfeeding my 5th son altogether.

Warming Up...

Zac's second full day with us (Sunday) was completely different than the day before.
We woke up and went to church. He slept in my sling for an hour or so. All the girls sat in church with us. They didn't want to miss a single thing Baby Zac did, so they sat quietly in church next to him.

It was really good seeing my friends and church family. I love showing him off to folks, especially folks who have helped us walk through the adoption.

The main difference is that Zac is much more comfortable with his surroundings today. He gets down from my arms and walks a few feet away from me. When he becomes uncomfortable (like if the girls are crowding him too much), he runs back to me. It is sweet.

A few other things I've noticed:
-Nicholas seems much, much larger than the day before. I always viewed Nick as my little tiny boy. I even say to him: "When are you going to grow up? Never!!". But as soon as Zac came, Nicholas seems so much heavier and so much older.
-Zac began warming up to Sabrina almost overnight. She picks him up and helps him walk around (he's very sturdy with walking now, but she "helps" him still. So adorable.) and she is always bending down and in his face. She keeps saying, "He's soooo cute! I didn't know he would be so cute".  Usually he cries when she is around but Sunday morning he started laughing whenver she walks up to him. Then sometimes she does a funny voice (which gets me rolling too) and he just laughs and laughs.
-Zac does not cry when he gets hungry. It took me a while to figure that out. He just kind of zones out, like he isn't really here in the room. But whenever I pull out the Cheerios and apple juice, he lights up! I just have to be very aware of the time of day and give him 3 meals a day with snacks in between.
-The "middles" (Emma and Sabrina) are behaving very exceptionally the last few days. Thankfully.

Monday:
Zac was awake from 1am-4am and then we had to wake up at 5am to be at the orphanage by 6:45am. We needed to see the doctor one last time for Zac's discharge. Once we received the orphanage's discharge, our official 90-day foster period begins. We signed all the papers on Friday, but the doctor only saw 2 patients on Friday afternoon and wouldn't see us. Anyway, this was our last time to go there. I was afraid Zac would see his old caretakers and try to reach out to them, but he did not. Half a dozen women excitedly kissed him and hugged him. He did not reach out to them. In fact he barely laughed at them and even turned away from them. I have such a jealous heart (one of my many flaws) so I am happy he did not prefer them over me. (Which would have been only natural of course if it happened).
We took him to breakfast at Java House (video of him dancing to follow when my internet is better).
Came home and did school with the kids. Not a full day by any means. But a "getting back in the swing of things" school day. Perfect weather. Daddy is home on paternity leave. Perfect.
The neighbor's sweet furry cat jumped over the fence into our yard. Zac was standing in the middle of the yard when the cat approached him. He freaked out and started crying and running to Daddy (who was standing right behind him). I guess he has never seen a cat before...Eventually he began to like the cat, but it was cute seeing his reaction to something so foreign to him but so familiar to us.
Also, he threw a bunch of crayons out of the basket, and I started singing the "clean up" song, and he put back every single crayon back in the basket. Strange! They must have sung that song at the orphanage too!

So Zac has changed a lot over the past few days. I love to see him experience new things every day. Like, cheese. We had cheese on our chili for dinner. He loves cheese!!

First Full Day

I should be cleaning while the baby is napping, but if I don't sit down and write now, then I never will! And I never want to forget these "firsts" with Zac.

On Saturday he woke up around 5:45am. So we started our day! I realized that at the orphanage the kids were not allowed in the kitchen, so I put his high chair in the middle of the kitchen and I explained everything I did. We made pancakes. He was fascinated by all the stirring and mixing. He chatted and chatted with me while I flipped pancakes and fried bacon. He did not seem to like the taste of the pancakes until I added honey...and then he had a blast licking off the honey and throwing the rest of the bite on the floor. Eventually Kevin and the kids came downstairs and they played blocks in the middle of the kitchen floor while I cleaned up our pancake mess!

Kevin is amazing. I already knew that, but now I am seeing another side of him. He is so sweet and cuddly and proactive with the baby. He helps me with dishes and laundry without even being asked. The kids have been pretty well behaved as well. They are smitten with Zac, especially Sabrina. She wants to cuddle and hold him constantly. Zac doesn't always appreciate that...but he will warm up to her eventually.

Zac and I went to the playground for a few minutes around 11am. My friend walked over, and Zac held out his arms to go to her. I had just chatted with the doctor about this. Doc said Zac has no attachments to anyone because he has seen so many different people his whole life and not one constant person. Doc said Zac would do that, and that I need to hold tight to him and not let him go to someone else. I kind of feel sad if I don't let him do something he wants to do, but Doc explained it is like wearing a set belt. Kids don't want to do that either, but they have to learn for their safety. So when Zac reached out to my friend (although he is very clingy to me inside my own house), I really understood what Doc was referring to. So that was a big learning experience. Zac cried because he wanted down, but I held him. And then he asleep in my arms. Oops. Not even nap time yet.

Lunch was scarce - he did not eat a lot. Around 2pm I rocked him to sleep for his afternoon nap. He slept until around 3:30pm.

Today was the Halloween trick-or-treating on the embassy compound, so around 4pm Kevin and the kids got dressed in their costumes. They went to a party down the street and then spent an hour trick-or-treating. I stayed at home with Zac and didn't even pass out candy. I thought it would be too disruptive for him. My dear friend brought dinner, and Zac ate and ate. He ate 6 servings of beef stew. I couldn't believe it. And boy is he in a good mood when he has a snack or food on his tummy!

Zac hasn't seen much of the house or even the backyard hardly yet. Too much to take in, so we are letting him venture out on his own little by little.

I rocked him to sleep around 8pm and laid him in his crib. I had these big plans of co-sleeping with him...and we still might do that. But we have sort of a small bed and he flops around a lot. I keep waking up every time he moves, which makes for a tired mommy the next day!

Can't wait to see what tomorrow holds!