How could I write such a thing? I just get so frustrated at Zac when he, for example, completely freaks out when I put on his dinner bib. Then he is so mad he refuses to eat. What did I do?! I am trying to keep his shirt clean so I don't have to wash 7 loads of clothes per day. He wore a bib in the orphanage for every meal. It's not a new thing to him. But it makes me angry. Angry that he is so mad. Angry that he has now wasted the food that I took time to prepare for him. Angry that we cannot just be normal in normal things like sleeping and eating!!
So I took him out of the high chair and just had to leave the room before I completely lost it.
There are so many emotions. And the lack of sleep really brings out the worst in me: anger. Saturday night Zac was awake from 12-3am. Around 3am I just sat rocking him and I cried and cried. Actually, I bawled and bawled so much the front of my shirt was wet. After he FINally fell asleep and I put him back in his crib, I cried and cried on my pillow until I fell asleep too. I was mad at myself for being mad at him. Mad at myself that I thought we would instantly be this happy family together. Mad that I can't fix his problems. Mad that everything else in my life has taken a backseat.
Yesterday God whispered in my ear: The joy of the Lord is my strength. So I just sang that song in my head all day. And that's part of the problem: I've been too exhausted to pick up my bible or my prayer journal. I miss talking to God and spending time with Him. And his behavior and issues make me ask: "Why did we do this? Is this really what the rest of my life looks like at every meal, every bedtime?!"
I read this on Kris Vallotton's Ministry page yesterday and chuckled:
Have you ever thrown a pity party and have no one show up? Feeling sorry for yourself is a recipe for disaster! So is blaming others for your lack of success. It may very well be true that you have been mistreated, abused, beaten etc, but God is able to restore, heal and deliver you. Let your identity be in your Christ not in your crisis. I certainly understand pain and depression. I know what it is like to not want to go on with life. But sitting around counting your crosses will only perpetuate the problem and leave you stuck in a pile of poo.
That's what I usually do when I have a problem: open my Bible and read. Read until I find an answer to my problem. Read until I hear a Word from the Lord. Read until I find my Joy back again. Because being joyful is a choice. Even if you have to fake it. Fake it until the emotions follow. So today I did my Bible time. I played the kids' Bible songs with breakfast. We did our usual Family Time at the dining room table before we started school. If I am miserable then everybody around me will be miserable as well. The Joy will come. This is a season. It does not last forever.
So I am reading in Joshua today. And he spends pages and pages describing the land God gave each tribe. Pages and pages of the blessings God gave each tribe.
44 And the Lord gave them rest on every side, just as he had solemnly promised their ancestors. None of their enemies could stand against them, for the Lord helped them conquer all their enemies. 45 Not a single one of all the good promises the Lord had given to the family of Israel was left unfulfilled; everything he had spoken came true. (Joshua 21).
I love that God speaks to me, especially when I need it so badly. God will give me rest. God will conquer my enemies one by one. God will fulfill all the good promises he made to me. Everything God speaks will come true. So I cling to that. I cling to Christ, my Joy.Do not forget in the dark what God promised in the light.
**To make matters worse, most of my family is completely unsupportive (mine, not Kevin's). One aunt and two cousins are the only ones that have even acknowledged Zac's existence. It literally breaks my heart. Well at first it did. Now I am just mad about it, too. I just don't understand.
Amen, sister! So well said.
ReplyDeletePastor Brandon is preaching through Joshua right now.
Praying for you...there will be plenty of rough moments, but we can 'be confident that we will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. So wait for the Lord; be strong, and take heart and wait for the Lord.' (psalm 27:13, 14)
Jessica, be strong! God will help you, as He always does. It was a good thing that you have turned to Bible for help and answers.
ReplyDeleteGod gave you and your family this Baby for a reason and He will not leave you in times of dispair.
I will keep you and Zac in my prayers.
Hi Jessica
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your blogg in preparation for our own Kenyan journey. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
After a bussy couple of months I was a bit out of touch but finally caught up yesterday. I admire the way you share both the good and the bad days, so many blogg's seem to have only good days. However something about the food and sleeping issues you described kept nagging at me and late last night it finally fell in to place. Have you considered that Zac might be allergic? I have lived with a large number of allergies all my life and especially your description about going through the napies in large amounts and the issue with not wanting to eat sounds familiar. Of cause the obvious one to suspect is lactose as many africans can't digest that. But from my own experience and what you describe him eating the nightshade family might also be the problem (potatoes, aubergine, peppers). Of cause there is many other possibilities and I am not going to try to do remote diagnostics but I am sure that you can find a good doctor or homeopath that can help you sort this out.
If something he eats makes him feel unwell after a while it is very understandable that he doesn't want to eat and the stomach pains that the wrong food can give me are hard to describe and something I don't wish for a little boy to experience.
I hope this can be of help to you and maybe we will see you in Kenya, we hope to be there in the beginning of the new year.