How are people supposed to respond to us, an adopting family? There are books about it. One great book is entitled, "In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You to Know About Adoption. A Guide for Relatives and Friends."
One of my friends yesterday asked me what I need for the baby. She said she wanted to help me out in some way when the baby comes. I told her that on Saturday we bought everything off our baby registry (yes, this is a new baby, so I registered for the things we needed, mainly so I could get amazon's 10% discount!!). She said she would like to make a meal for us, maybe when Kevin goes back to work from paternity leave. I almost cried. Why? I guess because I feel like I am away from family and close friends in the states and it makes things feel different.
So far I have not asked anybody for help**. I have not done any fundraising. I have not asked friends or family to donate a single penny to help us adopt. Because in a way that would mean they have to "support" me, right? When you ask someone for money, you are asking them to make a decision about whether or not they agree with your adoption. I have never asked my family if they agree with our decision to adopt. I did not ask anyone's permission about whether I should birth four children, so I definitely did not plan to ask anyone's opinion about whether I should adopt a child. First of all, God called us to adopt. So I do not need anybody else's opinion about it. I do not need anyone else's advice.
But the truth of the matter is, our adoption does impact our friends and family. We are changing the dynamic of our family. We are becoming a multi-racial family. My parents will have a dark-skinned grandchild. I will have dark-skinned grandchildren (yeh!). These are big, big issues for some folks. So not only is adoption the issue in itself, but the fact we are adopting cross-racially and cross-culturally is a secondary issue as well. I do not expect everybody to support me. This is the reason I have never asked anyone's opinion or help. This is also why I was pretty much in tears when my friend offered to make a meal for us. Because she made it seem "normal". And isn't that what all adoptive families want to feel like, normal again?
So if you are a family member of an adoptive family, what are some ways you can support them? Here's what the book says:
1. Help with logistics if possible - Offer to write a letter of recommendation, make copies, mail paperwork, drop off materials at the attorney's office, help take care of other children so they can finish paperwork.
2. Host a Baby Shower! - Ask the mom is she prefers before or after the child arrives.
3. Show Your Interest - Ask if you can attend any adoption classes, learn about the child's country of origin, Take the expectant parents out for Ethiopian food or buy them a travel book on China, Collect positive news from that part of the world and discuss with other friends or relatives.
4. Information-Sharing - Some expectant parents like to be asked if there is news while others feel every question is just a reminder that they are still waiting. Personally, if someone does not ask me about my adoption, then I assume they do not care.
5. Financial Support - Adoption is expensive!
6. Help for Traveling Families - Help them pack or shop. Offer to take them or pick them up from the airport. Offer to keep the household running while they are gone (feeding pets, mowing grass, etc.)
7. Help With Siblings - Offer to babysit while parents do adoption-related tasks. Pay extra attention to waiting siblings.
8. Normalize Their Experience - Treat them like the excited, expectant parents they are!
**I needed a family recommendation letter for LAN and my lovely sister-in-law wrote a beautiful page-long letter about her opinion of me as a mother. For some reason it wasn't used in my dossier but LAN asked me to obtain it for their records. I am very grateful to her for writing the letter!**
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